Here they are, for the first time ever—the most typical Russian faces, a real pair of average physiognomy, courtesy of a racially-nervous little study we dug up for your amusement. Bonus: 250 most Russian last names.

Breaking news from Polit.ru. The headline: “Moscow lacks 100 public toilets.” Our response: juvenile snickering. But, unlike us, Moscow’s sanitary technicians are taking the issue very seriously. In fact— wait, Moscow has sanitary technicians?

This shouldn’t even be news, but, lo, it’s a Russian media spectacle. Naturally, we have to feed the shit-storm, too. Right around the holiday season, small-town girl and Internet aficionado Nastya Ivliyeva, 13, felt a case of the wants coming on. Specifically, Nastya wanted a new guinea pig to serve as companion to her existing rodent. With gift-giving season just around the corner, the girl could think of no person more able to make her wishes come true than Russia’s president. So little Nastya shot Uncle Dmitry an e-mail via his interactive website asking for a new pet. Really, you’d think the Kremlin would have a spam filter by now, considering. Instead, a series of downright Chekhovian developments followed.