Architecture

Curbed Goes To Moscow

If there’s one pleasure in life that crosses all cultural borders, it has to be this: the joy of mocking bad architecture.

Given the building boom that’s transformed Moscow over the past decade, we invited Joey Arak, the editor of New York-based real estate and architecture web site Curbed.com, and the site’s founder, Lockhart Steele, to discuss the changes the boom has wrought on Moscow – and on our very souls.


Lockhart: We’ve got a real male/female theme going here, no? Except, er, with four cocks.
Joey: "Well, Boris, if we build just one, it won't be context with the neighborhood, so how about four?"
Lockhart: Russia: a very masculine country.


Lockhart: Here we have an excellent throwback to the pre-communist past.
Joey: This is a confusing one. Did they model it after the Plaza and then dunk it in urine?
Lockhart: Yeah, the yellow is peculiar.
Joey: When someone told them the design was cheesy, they took it literally, I guess. ZING.


Lockhart: Now here we're really bringing the best of the old and the new together. Easily the most gloriously hideous thing we've seen yet, no?
Joey: Yes, though I've seen worse in Williamsburg. In fact, drop that off at Bedford Ave. and charge $900/sq ft and you're golden.
Joey: The thing about this one is it doesn't look so big… Then you see the bus next to it, and holy crap, that building is massive! At least it will keep the window washers in business. Russian window washers are the Manhattan condo buyers of tomorrow.
Lockhart: Today, actually.


Joey: And I thought building war machines for the Nazis was Mercedes' biggest crime against humanity.
Lockhart: The powers that be couldn't build this as a transit hub in downtown Manhattan, so they built it as a Mercedes dealership in Moscow. Makes sense.
Joey: Yeah, take that MTA – they one-upped your oculus. At least it's modern – less offensive than the ancient reproductions. An effort was made.
Lockhart: A weird effort, but an effort nonetheless.
Joey: It's the thought that counts.


Lockhart: So here we’ve got an imitation of Stalin gothic-style – a style that was really crying out to be imitated, in my opinion.
Joey: It takes something like this to fully understand oppression. Truly soul crushing – can you imagine coming home to that? "Oh, another day of working in the textile factory and waiting 7 hours in the bread line… and now THIS."
Lockhart: Solzhenitsyn’s architectural criticism never got enough attention during his life, you know?
Joey: What is going on on top? Are those portholes and ship masts or something?
Lockhart: Sort of a bridge motif, I think.
Joey: At least it adds a comedic element to the suicide attempts.


Joey: Saw these guys in the Star Wars prequels. Those top things shoot lasers.
Lockhart: Mind-blowing, on multiple levels.


Lockhart: Seems here we have the opposition.
Joey: Yeah, these guys are with the force.
Lockhart: You know, this one should be rated NC-17.
Joey: And you thought the Williamsburg Bank Building was suggestive... They even have the veins in there.


Lockhart: Can't fade to black without comment on this:
Joey: That's about 5 buildings in one.
Lockhart: And 6 of them are ugly.
Joey: It's hard to believe, but not even landscaping like that can distract from that monster.
Lockhart: After all this, I almost feel better about the state of NYC architecture. Almost.

(Photos by Sanwaree Sethi)

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